Just like all of the good television shows from fall I have been on Hiatus! I have been following along on all of the blogs I like to read, but commenting very little and not blogging myself. There really is no reason why. I do most of my internet shopping/blog reading/blog posting at night when the kids and Chad are in bed. I think I am just in a funk lately. There is no reason I should be in a funk, but I am.
I kind of feel like I am always being pulled in 100 different directions and I don't know which way I should go. It's a little like when I started driving. I did not know my way around the outer belt. Sure, it just goes in a huge circle around the city. But if you don't know which direction to take it is very confusing. I would take a guess and if I was wrong I would completely circle the entire outer belt before making it to my location. This is how I am feeling about my duties at home. Like I am just going around in a great big circle.
I want to homeschool. I feel like it is what the Lord would have me to do. I also feel like the kids are doing well. But am I doing the right thing? Are my kids missing the life experiences that I had and enjoyed? What about Friday night football games and prom? Are these rights of passages I am depriving them of?
My kids are to busy! On one hand I want them home with us 24/7 so we can spend time together as a family. I think this is where they will learn valuable life lessons. I also think it would bring us closer as a family if we did not spend the entire evening Monday-Friday in the car and at gymnastics gyms and football fields. On the other hand I think they are learning valuable life lessons at activities as well. My children are very athletically talented and love the sports they participate in. I also enjoy watching them succeed and we have made some great friends along the way. I would miss it. They would miss it. But would we be better off with that time spent at home?
I also struggle with what exactly I should be doing at home. I read far to many homeschooling, food storage, organizing and natural living blogs. I want to incorporate to many things into my already busy and over scheduled life. Will my kids really be worse off if they eat applesauce from a jar, I keep buying store bought cleaners, I don't can home grown vegetables or make our bread? I know they will probably survive. Our shrinking budget however may not. I have not only the stress of doing what is right for my family, but also making it fit into a budget that has decreased drastically over the last two years.
I want to have a spotless house with less clutter. I also want to be carefree and enjoy the short time I have with my kids. I feel like I am missing so much already and I do not know what to do to stop it. Lisa and I were just talking about how we know we are going to cry when they are gone that we didn't do enough. Did we talk to them enough, spend enough time with them, give them enough individual attention, play with them enough..... and the list goes on.
I know perfection is not an option. I just want to get this right. I want to be a blessing to my husband and my kids. I want to give my kids every opportunity I can in life. I want to give them great memories. I want to give them a Godly, loving and nurturing home. I want to give them unconditional love and support. I want to give them the best of everything including myself. Is this to much to put on one persons shoulders? Please tell me it is. I feel like I am failing at all of the above.
I honestly do not know what this post is for or about. I am not looking for a pity party:) I do not need anyone to tell me I am doing great. I just wanted to put it all out there so hopefully someone else who is feeling this way can think "I am glad I am not alone!" or "On the outside she looks like she has it all together. But she is struggling just like me." I do know if this will be a help to anyone. But it has been a help to me just writing it out.
If you made it this far... Thanks!